There are times, or perhaps moments where you just sit back and wonder how perfect life could have been if you had not made those mistakes. I do. I wonder how my life would be like if I had said no to that but said yes to this instead etc. It would be a total lie if I were to say that I do not regret what I once did. Heck, sometimes I even hate myself for doing what I did. I’ve been down this road of painful memories way too many times, but everytime, it still manages to get to me. I still get that stingy feeling whenever I think about the past. People say not to dwell on the past and to look forward instead. But I think they’re wrong cause no matter how much you want to progress forward, your past still tails behind you, or worse, with you. My past is a big part of me and as much as I want to dispose it off, I can’t. One might blame on the fact that I’m not ready to let go of my past and I am thinking too much about what has been done but its not like that. Its something bigger. I don’t really know how to explain cause the awful feeling is just there. The past memories are always niggling in my mind.
Whenever I talk to someone or whenever someone becomes close to me, I get a tad scared. No, not scared because he or she might not like me, but scared of revealing too much of myself to somebody else. I’m scared that I might be tempted to reveal who I really am-the past and now-cause I don’t want to be a hypocrite. Scared whether I can be accepted for being me. Maybe my past is what makes me kind of introvert. It gets really hard at times, that sometimes, I do question who the real me is.
I can never understand whenever someone says that he or she is a hedonist. I’m sure it doesn’t always sound as good as it should. Pleasure. What is pleasure? Pleasure comes in different forms for different people. To one, pleasure might be enjoying the things life has got to offer you such as good health and good family. To another, pleasure might be those little naughty things in life such as inhaling that long stretch from your cigarette or getting high on something sinful. I’ve learned that becoming a hedonist is certainly not the best way to live one’s life. What pleasure is to someone might be pain to others or vice-versa.
In life, it turns out that sometimes, you have to do the wrong thing, sometimes you have to make big mistakes in order to make things right. Sure, mistakes are painful but they’re the only way to find out who you really are. To find out who I really am.
