As one grow older, one inevitably has to be face with decisions to make. No, not decisions such as whether to wear blue or green that day, or whether this handbag matches my whole oufit, or which type of shoes should I go buy-those pointy-toed ones or those peep-toed ones, neither is it about whether I should get a caramel frappucino or a mocha frappucino. These type of decisions have to be made every single day. The decisions that I’m refering to are those important life-related decisons that one has to made as it will determine the course of one’s life.
A decision that I realise that I will have to make some time soon is about the partner that I will choose in life. This issue does not require a decision that needs to be made on the spot and quickly. This decision takes months and maybe years to build up before finally being announced. I know that at the age of only nineteen, still a teenager, I have yet to make my decision on this heavy topic. I am afterall, still in the process of discovering myself and finding out who I really am supposed to be, let alone discover someone else. However, despite the fact that I have yet to choose who I want to spend the rest of my life with, I can already feel the tiny slaps across my face regarding this.
My mother mentioned an article in a newspaper dated a few days back about how a daugther proceeded on with her plans to marry someone her mother didn’t approve of. As a result, this particular daughter was faced with business loss and her company went downhill despite her having a degree and all. It was some sort of God’s punishment for her for not following her parents’ advice and having her parents’ blessings on her marriage. When my mother mentioned this to me, I couldn’t help but think that maybe she was trying to tell me something. Or maybe not…maybe it was just because I felt guilty.
I can safely put that I have done my everything in my power, to do my best in whatever I do so as to make my parents proud of me. I try to follow their advice closely and not to do anything that might bring out their rage or resentment towards me. But, there is one thing that I know they are not particularly proud of and this is the by far the one thing that gets me into trouble with them most of the time. The problem lies in a G-U-Y. Yup, my parents are not really fond of me being involved with a gender of the opposite sex, being involved in a relationship that revolves around feelings and emotions called love. To them, I am still young to get myself attached to a particular guy and I should just maintain a neutral relationship with any guy.
I have been in a serious relationship for more than four years now. My parents do not know of this and they simply think that I am just being a bit too friendly with him (although we all know that parents know more than they should but they just remain to keep quiet about it). Hence, everytime when I propose to go out with him or have long conversations with him, I get these long cold stares from my parents. As a result, it has taken a toll on this relationship that I share with him and there have been times when it does seem that the relationship is heading for the rocks. More often than not, I find myself thinking if all this is happening right now, can this relationship ever survive for another four more years?
Thinking about it, if already right now my parents disapprove of this relationship that I have with him, and also maybe him, how will it be like in years to come? Will they still disapprove? I am afraid that they will. At the same time, I don’t want to be in a relationship that has got no blessings from my parents as I want to make them happy and proud of me. I don’t want to have to lie and have to go behind their backs. I want to be upfront about it. Maybe its the time factor. Maybe I am not old enough to be in a relationship. Perhaps I should wait a few more years before commiting my whole self to that certain someone.
Things are getting harder due to the fact that its hard for me to get him to see things from my perspective and hence its harder for him to understand. I don’t want to hold someone back just because of the situation that I am in, or just because of the way my life is. I feel guilty towards him and towards my parents. But whatever it is, I know that parents overcasts teenage love and if I were to choose, I would choose what my parents want me to do. I know it is still too early to tell but I don’t want to end up like that daugther mentioned earlier, if this relationship with him continues.
Our chance to make a good impression to my parents is already gone, already tarnished. I absolutely have no clue as to how things are going to work out from here. I want to make both sides happy but for now, that is not going to be possible. There’s no doubt which one I will choose if I were to be made to make a choice but either way, I know I am going to get hurt. But that’s the small price one has pay for love-be it for parent’s love or his’ love. I don’t want to lose either one but if things do come to a major pit-stop in the future, I guess no matter what, I do have to take a risk that I’ll lose one. No guesses for which one, cause I already mentioned it.
